DownStyle

hey all. this is one of the funniest things i've read all day. it was passed on to me by my friend jeff (not The Jeff). i know it's long but i think it's worth it. Enjoy!

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought
that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided
not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like
monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive.
His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were
really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I
laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their
new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the
couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at
first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third
hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so
inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just
sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it
dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I don't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room,on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my
bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got
stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That
worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It
started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I
didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a
time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat
all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I
had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile
on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and
to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt
better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city
was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that
I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't
bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas
gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended
that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

well, despite what you all want, i've given natalie another chance. that is what you get when you put me as an administrator on such a site. funny that i have that power. i guess i do kind of like it. no wonder hobbitlore.com told me i was a dwarf today. a coincidence that both blog site administrators are dwarves?

eddie, i'm also pleased that you are getting a real feel for the north country. welcome to small town america. i'll be around at christmas. any chance you'll still be there?

yes what joe said. eddie don't be fooled by joe's metal death trap he calls a car. give him no more than 900 dollars becasue it may fall apart before you can get it from chicago to plattsburgh or portland. sorry joe, but i also wonder what the word persiflage means and i hate it that you are smarter than me, so this is my way of getting back at you-subtle subterfuge.

i don't care that we stray from topic, but getting back to topic, i am wondering what you are doing in school sahand, and if i should go the mph path. any thoughts?

mets needs a shrink? sad. he lives in a house with a nice woman named noel. i was counting on her to keep him sane. in berkeley they have bright yellow flags that you are supposed to carry while you are crossing the street so that you don't get hit by a car. at least we know dave is physically safe.

yes, new year's. sounds like a fantastic plan. good work dark angel.

that's all for now. joe, i come to bother you this afternoon. want to go car shopping?

j lo

What long posts. And off topic. You feckless, feculent post-graduates should spend less time mistyping unfunny persiflage and resign yourselves to the inevitable jobs in marketing and management consulting.

Job Interivew Tip #1:

If you join the Interviewer for lunch on chilly day, make sure to take her coat. Then put her coat on and sit down at the table. This shows you're confident, and a self-starter.

Jarlath, your second interpretation is indeed correct. it's like a gestalt geshicte (geshifte??? help Sahand).

as for you miss barra, i shun the canvassing, i detest the canvassing, i loathe the canvassing. i am not as strong as you. it would break me in a day.

i am perhaps on my way to a real job this afternoon. i'll keep you updated if i must withdraw my presence from this little group on the pretense of having a job.

until then, may you all find self-worth from this little page and from running up credit card debt in order to purchase things like the new naked beatles album.

Pardon me for interjecting this observation, but "Down and Out in Style" is an interesting choice for a name. Reminds me equally of "Down with Love" one of the strangest movies I've ever seen, and "House of Style" a show that we all ended up watching a lot more than we wanted to in the springtime of our teenagehood. "Down and Out in Style", like we're going on an investigative dive through the annals of STYLE to come up with the tastiest morsels of POP CULTURE available. But it's actually, "Down and Out [sigh] in Style [smile!]" right?

What were we talking about? Cold and bitter winters wasted in a wasteland called "the jewel of the Genesee" by some who know not its true wrath? Graduating from "school" only to be thrust into another, or live the "school" schedule through substitute teaching and study abroad fairs? All I can say today is that the walk to work from the parking lot was thankfully untainted by the smell of boiling meats at Jordan's Meat Plant or the wafts of excrement from the Portland Sewage Treatment Plant (that's Portland, Maine for anyone familiar with the copycat version on the West Coast). Or maybe I've just gotten used to it and didn't notice.

Kaplooey!

to anyone reading this, i need eddie, alli and chin's email. if you can help me out, please let me know. also, if you want to invite anyone to the blog, i have that power, so please let me know.

love, j

Greetings,

This site has been created to provide a forum for an open discussion on joblessness, meaninglessness and poverty. We went to college, we did our homework, we took the tests, we graduated and now we want our reward. Are we supposed to believe that we lived in that frozen tundra for four years solely for sake of learning, some sort of self-betterment martyrdom? Nay. WE WANT JOBS, JOBS THAT PAY WELL AND THAT DON'T DEMEAN OUR SENSE OF SELF WORTH. Also, jobs that will support us in the manner to which we've become accustomed and don't infringe on our weekends, mornings or holidays. So, tell us what you think, invite your friends and tell the world.

Thanks and welcome,

Julie Marie Lowell and Michael Joseph Mulvey